The world can be a dirty place. Humans are little more than animals with self-awareness and advanced tools and, because of their lot in life, they’re prone to many disgusting habits. People use the bathroom without washing their hands, sneeze or cough without covering their mouths, or scratch their ass or jerk off shortly prior to shaking hands with you.

While much of the disgusting stuff that humanity engages in won’t necessarily kill you, it does give me a high degree of debilitating heebie jeebies and I’m here to provide some tips for personal comfort, however asinine and unnecessary.

 

Utilize Paper Towels in Public Bathrooms

Paper towels are a germaphobe’s best friend in a public bathroom. They can be used to turn on faucets, open stall doors, open entry way doors, wipe things down with soap or hand sanitizer, and provide a much needed barrier between your skin and the horrors that await.

 

Avoid the Poor Person’s Bidet

For those of you not “in the know,” the poor person’s bidet is that feeling when an automatic toilet flushes without your consent and a cold rush of public poop water comes shooting up your ass crack and makes you feel dirty for the rest of the day until you can reach a shower.An easy way to avoid this unpleasant experience is to take a longer piece of toilet paper and drape it over the sensor so that two layers of paper prevent the infrared beam from registering the movement that causes the auto-flush. When you’re done, just drop that piece in the toilet alongside all the others and enjoy the pleasures of a fantastically dry ass.

 

Clean Your Phone Every Few Days

This is a big one that even the most devout of germaphobes often neglects to invest their time in correcting: the nastiness of your smartphone.

You’re taking it in the bathroom, pulling it out in public after touching who the fuck knows what, and you’re also simultaneously holding it up to the side of your face and smearing the crusty awfulness all over yourself.

Do yourself a favor and take a Clorox wipe, rubbing alcohol, or some hand sanitizer on a paper towel and give your phone a thorough rubdown every few days.

 

Start Your New Job With New Equipment

Having worked in an office environment for the majority of my career, I’ve seen many times that a new employee or someone switching desks is forced to inherit the greasy human petri dish of used office equipment. This is a strict no for me.

If you’re at a large corporation, chances are there is an equipment requisition process that allows you to get things like new keyboards, mice, and phones. I would suggest going that route.

If your company is more startup or with limited supplies, consider a trip to Wal-Mart or Amazon for a cheap mouse and keyboard combination. For the headset piece, you could always just take conference calls from your cell phone instead or buy your own headset that is compatible with your desk phone.

 

Always Carry a Pen

This should be a cardinal rule of germaphobia: always carry a pen. When you’re signing a receipt at a restaurant or filling out a deposit slip at the bank, don’t depend on the bacteria farms present on the surfaces of communal pens.

Instead, grab a cheap pen with a cap that isn’t prone to exploding and always carry it in your pants pocket, purse, messenger bag, or backpack and put it to good use.

 

Go for the Pound

As I described in the introduction, people do plenty of nasty things before shaking hands with you and that is why I generally avoid handshakes altogether. I would much rather go for the “pound” or just give a gentle head nod instead of touching people.

Even beyond germaphobia, touching people without consent shouldn’t be tolerated in general. I hate when people invade my personal space with a hand on the shoulder or anything of the sort.

 

Here’s to hoping that the above steps reduce your likelihood of contracting an annoying illness and make you feel better about the nasty ass world around you. Stay fresh, stay clean.

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