If you’re like most well-adjusted adults, you enjoy a good street festival.
Surrounded by people sweating their asses off and stuffing their faces with junk food while handling the wares of local artisans in an unsanitary manner, street festivals are a way of life throughout most of America.
If you’re struggling to find a reason to attend one of these fantastically bizarre, quaint slices of Americana, I’m presenting you with 5 very good reasons to do so.
The core of any outdoor event is its food offerings. From trashy staples like corn dogs and fried Oreos to more refined offerings like ceviche and macarons, there’s food for the whole family. Hook me up with an al pastor taco and a cold Coke and I’m a happy camper. Bring cash. It’s all cheap and it’s all delicious.
Bad Cover Bands
Have you ever wanted to hear a badly performed cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” sung by 4 elderly white men who dress like teens? Now is your chance. They sound like shit and take themselves way too seriously, but these low rent bands add to the atmosphere. Their off-key voices trickle softly through the warm air and remind you how much better your life choices were than theirs. Support your local arts.
Knock Off Clothing
Foakleys, Fada bags, Few Era hats, Fike shoes, and photoshopped copyrighted logo designs and art printed on cheap t-shirts are just some of the bootleg apparel you’ll find at a street festival. Sure, it’s pretty illegal, but it’s so cheap. Vicariously support bulk sales on Ali Baba by ponying up some dough.
“Please” is not the real magic word. “Free” sounds much better. Street festivals are havens for little bites of free cheese, free jams, free hot sauce, and even free chiropractic exams. Sure, you’ll have to listen to their little sales spiel, but then you can walk away afterward without buying anything like the asshole that you are. When a bunch of local vendors are packed in one place, get ready for lots of free shit. Bring a disguise, if you’re planning on going back for seconds.
Fun in the Sun
After the depressing, indoor-only activities of a too-long winter, it’s nice to get outside and absorb some rays of Vitamin D into your shriveled, pale skin. Outdoor festivals are the perfect excuse to leave the house and hang out with other humans while enjoying all the local fare. Get out from under precipice and see the sky once in awhile. It’ll do wonders for your mood and help you forget about your go-nowhere job and the painful, existential trauma of human life.